Journal Entry

With a humble and questioning heart, enjoy my inner dialogue.

"I find myself in a peculiar position. I, simultaneously feel trapped and free; addicted and in control; ruled by comfort and discomfort; like today is my last day and like I also have 90 years left; purpose-filled and purposeless; faithful and unbelieving; lukewarm. All aspects of my life feel lukewarm. 

As I inspect this feeling of "lukewarmness" I find that the reason is because there are things in my life I wish to be doing, or wish to be a part off, that are not happening. I wish I was more disciplined with going to the gym before all other daily tasks. I wish I was in a church group that met religiously every week. I wish I was on my phone less. I wish I didn’t watch TV everyday. I wish I could be thoughtless about my budget. I wish I didn’t crave to have all of them materialistic things I desire. I WISH I WOULD READ MY BIBLE EVERYDAY. I wish I meal prepped all of my meals. I wish there were aspects of my life that were more convenient. I wish I spent less time being tired and saying “it’s ok I have just been working too much.” I wish I could provide for my extended family without feeling guilty. I wish I read more intellectual books and less books for entertainment. I wish I stopped feeling guilty… guilty of all of the above and more.

Now, the words that keep repeating in my head are wishes and feelings. Wishes and feelings.

I am aware that feelings are not reality. And that often my feelings are not truly valid and are not derived from the Lord. 

But what do I do about my wishes? Are they eternal yearnings of the heart? Are they godly? Why do I feel like all of these things would make me happy? Is "happiness" what I am aiming for? What do I do about these wishes? At last, they seem too superficial...

Here is the truth!

1. I have so much more than I need. I have Jesus, and all these superficial things that make me think this world is bearable (work, money, coffee, marriage, family, health, etc.)

2. I know my purpose for this life is all that has to do with Jesus.

So why am I still concerned about the other things? "Meet me in this space Jesus!! Strip me raw. Expose, palpate, inspect, and cover the parts that are not of you!!!"

So back to all of this "wishes talk." I do not believe these to be entirely fruitless. I do believe that they some of these things can be very beneficial and important. But should I be concerned with the action aspect of these things; the ability to check them off of my to-do list? The answer is, NO! I know that my purpose is to find and investigate where Jesus lies in the midst of these things. My purpose is to ask him to make himself the center of my wishes. My purpose is to surrender to his wishes for me! 

"Father teach me to do this. Amen!"

"All the earth worships you and sings praises to you; they sing praises to your name." Psalm 66:4